"My ink so hot it burn through the journal"

tip of the tip of the iceberg

lately, i’ve been thinking a lot about my own testimony. what events I would include, the thoughts at the time, my emotions, and how everything in the end turned back to God. i’ve gotten this impression that a testimony is something experienced by an individual but it is meant to be shared so that listeners are aware of how God’s love has brought transformation in a different dimension.

I’m grateful that when my life has dipped in happiness especially this past semester, a few of my brothers and sisters have come to my aid. but when i really go in depth about the things i’m struggling through, i always have such a hard time explaining. my thoughts are everywhere, my speech does not seem to carry any coherent flow, and i feel sorry to the listener across from me because it’s so hard to truly digest my abyss of roaming thoughts. in other words, i’m just a bad talker. i don’t talk about my struggles with just anyone because of the fact that i trust so few people, and if there is someone i do trust i can never seem to find the right words.

young told me i should always be equipped with my testimony like it’s a screwdriver in a tool belt that is always fastened around my waist. and that is such good advice. if someone honestly asks us how God has uniquely played a role in their life, shouldn’t we be able to reply with confidence instead of uncertainty? if i see someone with similar struggles, i should be able to literally whip out my testimony and share how God uses these hardships to develop us as humans.

I like to imagine myself talking to an audience of around 150 people because this is the kind of impression that I got at the identity retreat. would i stutter? would all of my anxiety be washed away by the conviction of the Holy Spirit? would I be confident the entire way through? or even simple questions like: how long would it be? would it take 45 minutes to get through my life’s events or would i just need about 10 minutes? would i be using a microphone to give a range of different vocal expressions or would i have to be shouting the whole time without any technology?

so many of the things that make me who I am are locked within me. nobody really knows the things that have built the gears to my whole body’s factory. and that’s honestly fine, whatever. but something inside tells me that once i do make that bold decision to really dig deep inside of my life, those who listen to it will be in awe of how my character had so many elements that nobody could have ever seen. peel back a few layers and you’ll find…. a few more layers. people those back and…. you’ll find a few more layers. but i promise that somewhere there is a beating heart.

i get very intrigued by genuinely good people. they were born and raised in this same messed up world as me. how can they always manage to put on a smile when my constantly have my defenses up? good men is what this world lacks. i see more and more, people especially kids are succumbing to their worldly temptations. the pessimistic side of me says “you can’t turn a bad girl good, but once a good girl’s gone bad, she gone forever” which is in a Jay Z song. once people have stepped onto the dark side there is no turning back and they are a waste of a time investment to pull them to the brighter side.

but as i’m growing up, i’ve learned how hope changes people’s lives. hope may not necessarily change the odds, but sometimes it can. it may be an impossible thing to say, but your own thoughts are what develop you into a person. are you a slave to your own thoughts or are you man enough to control them? do negative emotions define you or do you control them?

lately, i’ve been having so much love for people. if anybody asks me anything nicely and within reason, i think i would do it. you need me to make a video? sure i’ll do it! you want me to take pictures for something? sure i’ll do it! love for my church, kcf, and even for the people i could never see myself being tight with. love for the state of michigan, the koreans in it. i hope this new wave of volunteers at mckc serves faithfully.